1 week left....

needless to say that my maternity leave has not gone as I would have hoped.
I hate to use this word to describe it but I really can't sugarcoat it, it has been MISERABLE.
miserable as in my blood pressure is still high 140/90 as of yesterday at my 10 week checkup that my doctor had me come back for because of my bp.
I can't even believe that it has almost been 11 weeks, the days seem to drag on forever so it doesn't seem like many have passed, it honestly still feels like we have a 2 week old baby in the house and that's really how little miss Ellie acts.

so not going to beat around the bush on this one so here it goes.
this week breastfeeding came to an end.
Ellie has had horrible fussiness/gas/stomach/reflux/mucusy stool issues and they were not easing up but only seeming to get worse with each week
I had tried to cut out dairy in my diet for a while to see if that was the problem and her symptoms eased up a bit but never went away.
one weekend I had pizza and then sour cream in something the next day, that evening there were some specks of blood in her poop.
that night and the next four nights were HORRIBLE.
the ped and I have had several discussions about these things and have decided that E more than likely does have a protein sensitivity.
I cannot even express how disappointed I am to not be breastfeeding.
yes, I could have tried to totally eliminate dairy from my diet but for me this would have probably been just as stressful as stopping on the breastfeeding.
I have cried and cried over it.
It is so hard not being able to do it this time when it came so easily with Caraline.
but they are 2 very different babies.
Its also hard when Ellie and I are both so good at it, she had become quite the natural and I have milk for days (you would die if you seen my freezer).
I prayed and prayed and prayed some more and couldn't understand why I wouldn't be able to nurse Ellie, why God couldn't just heal her tummy and let us breastfeed.
Maybe he is reminding me that I am not in control. Maybe he is reminding me that sometimes the thing that we want so bad is not what is actually needed.
I know that God has a plan for Ellie and that she is still going to be a healthy, happy(hopefully sooner rather than later) baby even if we are not breastfeeding.
so for the past few days we have done soy formula, talked with the ped this morning and he would like us to start using a hypoallergenic formula (Nutramigen).
let me tell you I don't know how babies drink this stuff, it makes me want to vomit just smelling it but if it will help her, then let's do it!
I am already doing a little better in accepting the situation until it comes time that I have to use my dang pump and then I get upset all over again thinking about it but I know in time it will be ok.
Right now I keep trying to focus on some of the things that I can do with this new found freedom that I have.
Like eating whatever I want without worrying that it is going to hurt E's belly (I have been craving Mexican especially chips and queso), enjoying more than 1 glass of wine, coffee coffee and more coffee (yes, please!), and having a little more freedom (I have been preggo or nursing for the past 3 years), so I didn't realize what doing something for myself and letting the hubs feed the baby was all about until now.

so now just waiting and praying that this helps my little girls tummy to feel better and help our sleep deprived family to heal.
(I know this is kind of all over the place as in still getting no sleep rambling all over the place:)