Wednesday, July 20, 2011

E is 1 month old today!

I know our 1 month sign is a little rough, not really what I had in mind but this is what we have, maybe I can be a little more creative next month.  Also I wrote most of this last night and have been too tired to go back and read through today so hoping most of it makes sense:)

Can't believe that a whole month has passed.
The days and nights just run together, I couldn't even tell you what day of the week it was if I didn't look.
This first month has been hard.
Not just hard, but so much harder than I ever imagined it to be.
My tears have came almost daily (and many times it has been multiple times daily).
I question myself all the time if I (we) can do this.
I know that I (we) can and that this phase will pass, but in the moment those thoughts get the better of me.
Of course I had people tell me that having 2 this close together was difficult, but "difficult" has been an understatement.
We have been so exhausted.
For 4 weeks there was no more than 2 hours of sleep at a time for this mommy.
That's when it came time for the ambien.
Thank goodness for my momma and Tim, who took care of Elleanor for the night so that I could take an ambien and try to catch up on some much needed rest.

Elleanor has not been a happy baby in her first month.
She has cried, cried, and cried some more.
Not just I need held, fed or changed cried.
But inconsolable screaming.
So thankful for my laid back momma, that has been here on the weekends to take care and calm Elleanor when this momma was having her crying breakdowns. 
Love my momma so much!
And so thankful for my mother-in-law that brought us dinner countless times so that we could have a good meal and where able to take the time to eat it while she was here, and for keeping C for me when Tim was working so that I didn't have both of the kiddos by myself for an extended period!
Also my friends who have asked time and time again what they could do to help us out, but I have a hard time of letting people help and have mostly refused, afraid for them to see the emotional wreck that I have been.
But I was informed last night that I couldn't refuse their help anymore and that they were going to bring us more dinner and do whatever they could.
Thank you girls, you know who you are, love you!

And oh baby Caraline.
She decided to refuse sleep in this first month of having Elleanor here too.
That's right our easy perfect little napper/sleeper at night Caraline had gone to getting out of bed and kicking, hitting, screaming at her door.
Tim was having to stay in her room with her until she feel asleep and then she was still getting up and doing the same thing in the middle of the night.
And us in our vulnerable, sleepless states was letting her get away with it and just putting her in bed with one of us ( the one that wasn't up pacing with the baby).

But then came this past Sunday.
The hubster and I sat down and had a talk.
We decided that we were taking our house back.
Caraline would just have to stay at her door and fall asleep there.
And that's what has happened.
It didn't take long and the screaming fits at the door have stopped, she still falls asleep there but she has learned in just a couple of days that we are not going to come and get her, hopefully we are on our way to her staying in bed.

And since Elleanor was coming up on 4 weeks I decided it was time for her to be in her room.
I put C in her room about this time and sleep came much better for the both of us.
Elleanor has done great, we have started to let her cry it out a little at naps to get her use to going down on her own, will prob wait til 6 - 8 weeks to put it in full force, but for now what we are doing is working much better than anything else we were trying.
The past 2 days she has been a different baby.
A much happier baby.  (She still has her moments but definitely not as many and not lasting as long)!
She wakes up eats, is up for about an hour, and then sleeps for 1 1/2 to 2 hours before starting all over again. (of course this schedule is still a work in progress but this week she has been pretty on track)
She eats every 2 1/2 to 3 hours, mostly 2 1/2 during the day, every 2 in the evening hours for a couple of feedings and then still 3 hours at night (really hoping we can stretch this out soon).

Nursing issues, we've had them.
From yeast infections, to oversupply problems and bad latch-ons, but we have overcome 2 and are getting there on the oversupply issue (or at least I hope so).
The first few weeks I did not enjoy nursing at all and told myself I was quiting every night as I was in tears doing it.
But we are getting so much better at it.
I remain nursing on the same side 2 feedings in a row so that Elleanor gets the hindmilk that she needs and to try and get my supply down, also pumping as little as I can (which can be hard with the whole not feeding on 1 side for the 2 feedings in a row).
E's latch on is great now, we have adjusted to each other and there is no soreness so I have come to love nursing just as I did with Caraline, (however I still have an occasional gripe session about it in the middle of the night:)

Having another daughter and a little sister for Caraline has made our family complete!
I cannot even begin to tell you how much love I have in my heart for these 2 girls and the hubs, it is full!
Caraline loves to hold and kiss on her sister, it makes my heart so happy!
I was so worried about not having my sole attention for Caraline but Tim has stepped in and she is loving her daddy time, (though I have to admit that it is making me a little jealous:)
And though Elleanor may be a tad difficult, she has me smitten!!
She is so amazing and I am so thankful for her!
She is starting to smile more and more each day and I am loving it!
And instead of just crying and crying she has started to enjoy playing in the floor and just being held and talked to.
I absolutely love our little family of four and can't imagine my life any other way!
We go to the doc on Monday for our 1 month check-up and will post again on Elleanor's measurements!

Here are a few pics from yesterday morning, we had a good day the day before and a good night Monday night so we actually had some good quality family of four time outside.  (but still sleep deprived, just explaining why we look the way we!


  1. i am reading this in tears. and i knew all of it already. but, for some reason, it hit me and tears are rolling down my cheeks. thanks for your honesty, brandi. it's not easy having a newborn, and i feel like so many mommy's don't want to talk about/show the not so fun stuff. but, it's reality, and i'm not sure why people don't talk about it. i'm also thankful for your last paragraph and the pictures. your family is precious and i love you all so!

  2. Thanks for posting, Brandi! You are such a beautiful, kind person and Mommy. You are doing awesome, and you inspire me! Please let me know if I can do anything to help- really! I'd love to! :o)

  3. Brandi!!! Alicia is right... not many people talk about the difficult parts of the first few months at home with babies. They are just that... HARD! Having my boys 14 months apart, I wouldn't have it any other way, but let me just tell you... they were the HARDEST months in the beginning. I remember standing at both their bedroom doors as they were both screaming and I was crying myself. You are SO normal and just to make you feel better, it will get better! And it won't be forever away either! While the first several months were SO hard for me, I would do it again just to have my boys so close in age. You're doing so good! You and Tim are awesome parents!!!

  4. Thanks ladies for the support and encouragement! Things are actually looking up here! Getting more sleep and Baby E is getting more peaceful by the day! She still has some horrible gas issues but is definitely learning to handle them better as is her mommy!

  5. Those first 6 weeks are hard, hard, hard. But something magical happens right around that 6th week, and suddenly you look around... and there's laundry everywhere, and you're eating frozen pizza for dinner again, and you realize... hey! I haven't cried today! I feel... normal!

  6. Sweet pictures! You're girls are gorgeous! I am so glad for you that you seem to have a lot of support via family and friends. That is so important. And I know too well, lack of sleep = off kilter mama! One thing to keep in mind is all of these little things will come to an end. The nursing, getting up in the middle of the night and all the other hard things. You will never get these moments back. So in the middle of the night, when you are so tired and she is cranky and hungry. Feed her, hold her, shut your eyes and take it all in, because soon, she will never need you this exact way again. Good luck and embrace all those little moments ~ especially those new smiles!